First Aired: April 23, 2006
Plot: Peter buys an erotic book which he reads but finds disappointing. He writes a letter to the publisher, suggesting how he would have written the book differently. Impressed by his letter, his friends suggest he write his own erotic book; this sells well from its beginning stages as a xeroxed, stapled manuscript to its later incarnation as a professionally produced audiobook read by Betty White, and published by Carter Pewterschmidt.
A distracted driver listens to the audiobook and crashes into the Kool-Aid Man’s house while trying to take his shirt off. He sues Carter because the audiobook states that Carter was the publisher, whose entire assets are promptly seized. Peterotica is also pulled from the shelves of all book stores. An enraged Carter, feeling ruined, goes to Quahog to kill Peter with a rifle, but after Lois convinces him not to, he lives with the Griffins, while his wife divorces him and later marries Ted Turner.
Meanwhile, Stewie practices to be a gymnast in the Olympics. He practices pole vaulting with the unconscious Chris as a cushion. His training climaxes with an in-the-house vault that winds up getting him a large shard of glass in his head.
Peter tries to teach Carter how to be a regular person. Peter’s attempt fails and Carter tells Peter what’s wrong with his life. After Peter realizes his life sucks, he and Carter try to find ways to make money. Peter and Carter try several different ways of making money including stealing Lois’s wallet, selling Meg pot, making a teen drama TV show a la Dawson’s Creek³ and robbing a train, but each attempt fails. At the end Barbara comes to Quahog to retrieve Carter, telling him that she divorced Turner and took half his assets as part of the spousal support agreement. Despite the fact that he helped Carter turn his life and views of normal people around, Peter gets nothing. When Lois tells Peter she turned down $10 million from Carter a few years ago, Peter vividly fantasizes about killing her.